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phunkypuhnk
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Name: phunky
Country: United States
State: Virginia
Metro: Prince Williams County
Gender: Female
Interests: muisc, writing, reading, dancing, Law & Order, serial killers, acrylics, phunky, puhnk, peircings, tattoos, google, x-stitching, food
Expertise: Law & Order law, procrastination, dreaming
Occupation: Freelance Writing and Editing,
Industry: Media/Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  phunkypuhnk21
Yahoo:  phunkypuhnk
Member Since:
5/11/2002
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| I'm looking over a big bowl of salad. Well the bowl is a small mixing bowl and most of the salad is gone but I'm still looking at it. Meanwhile, my body aches. A kind of soft ache. It's not a good ache yet but I know if I was laying in bed, it totally would be. Yes, I'm trying to turn back the clock.
A few years ago, I was more active than I'd ever been before. I went to the gym, I did yoga, I did judo, I played DDR for hours. I was about 80lbs lighter but I was still significantly overweight, yet that didn't matter. I was super active, happy, and having fun. I want that back.
So I am training for events. The first one is a 5K in March. Then a half marathon in June. And the Marine Corps Marathon in October. And someday maybe a triathlon (if the 112 mile bike ride ever stops blowing my mind). I don't really care about losing weight. That will be a nice side effect. But I mostly want to be active again. I just want to do shit.
What does that mean for now? That means eating like caveman or a rabbit. I haven't decided yet. Did cavemen eat mostly fruit and veggies and leftover Thanksgiving turkey? And it means shin splints and shortness of breath. Then hours of freezing cold and stiffness. And the glorious runners high. And the sweet release of a really good stretch and yoga routine.
In other news . . .
I have to suck it and stop getting discouraged. I mean, the two days of running has brought some clarity. Even though I know it's not the end of the world, I'm not gonna die, I don't act like it. Knowing is nothing, wisdom is doing. So, while I know rejection isn't always a reflection of me. It doesn't mean failure. It's not always personal. I don't act like it. Instead I get overwhelmed by fear and give up. Then I pretend like I want to do something else. I am a really good pretender because I forget too. But in the end it always resurfaces. I bet you want to know what I am talking about. Well, let's get to it.
I am going back to school. I'm going to get a Master's of Education with Concentration in Secondary Education English. I keep saying I want to teach. I want to share my love of writing and reading with others. At the same time I want to emphasize the importance of education in changing your life or making your life what you want it to be, a lesson that was heavily reinforced by my parents while I was growing up. So I wanna go back to school, then I want to teach in high schools, and continuing going to school and eventually either getting a PhD in Education or in Literature, I haven't decided that yet.
I want to do more than just teach in schools though. I'd like to do workshops or clubs or something extra-curricular too. And all in areas where education and the arts are lacking. Places where, for whatever reason, education, curiosity, passion for knowledge isn't possible or encouraged. I don't know if there are places like that but I will find out. And maybe one day I will open my own school, which is something I really wanted to do when I was younger.
Anyway, I had started applying before but I was afraid. I'd get scared of not making it in. But I'll never make it in if I don't apply. And I kept getting passed over for jobs in education, I mean even just to answer phones. I got discouraged and moved on. But now moving on isn't taking me in any kind of upwards direction. I want to move up, onto the next thing. I've got my experience in traveling and odd jobs and college, I'm ready for the career, for advanced education, for completing projects and mastering skills.
So, this is the new shit. The next level. The mountain to conquer.
T minus 10
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TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!!!!
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| I'm calling this the last word because even if there is a response to this, I will not respond either in public or private. I don't want to get sucked in to a muddy debate where we just keep reiterating what we've said and don't move forward. But I need to get some sleep so that means I have to exhaust the fuck out of this argument and that means using all of my resources to get it out of my system.
Yesterday, I was pissed. There was no thinking, just venting. But that's pretty much my response after nearly every interchange I have with you because trying to talk to you is like banging my head against the wall. What I think is what I messaged you privately, what I felt was what I wrote here yesterday.
Today I just feel pity. I feel sorry for you because you still don't get it. You still can't see beyond yourself or admit that how you've treated me is what has destroyed our relationship. Correction: how you've treated me and also how you refuse to see the error in it and how you expect me to keep taking it. Not talking, isn't going to fix that problem. Taking a break and coming back isn't going to solve anything if you don't think you're doing anything wrong/hurtful/disrespectful.
As a 'friend' I don't expect you to approve of my current living/job situation But I do expect you to respect it as the path that I have to/ chosen to live to complete my journey. So when I am withdrawing from you or explicitly telling you to leave it alone, fucking leave it alone. It's like all you want to do is punch me I'm already down. When I've already said that I'm doing everything I can or I am willing to do to change it, let me take it at my speed and stop rushing me to do something about it. Or to do what YOU think I should be doing about it.
But honestly, that one tiny subject isn't the problem either. That's just one example. You remember that from all those college essays we would go over, one has a point and then finds an example to illustrate that point. I had lots of points and lots of examples but you can only look at this through a magnifying glass or a microscope. That's what the problem is.
Growing as a person isn't owning a home and financially supporting yourself. That's what our culture and society tells us is the goal of getting older and being a valuable member of society. That's what keeps the economy moving and our government from collapsing. Growing as a person is becoming self aware, it's understanding who you are and how you relate to the people in your life. And I don't mean relations like he/she/it is my friend and he/she/it is my sibling. I mean, how you express yourself and what you want/need. I mean, how you treat people you value in a way that makes them feel valuable AND makes you happy, so that you're both getting what you want/need out of the relationship. It means having the vision to look beyond your own values/feelings to help support someone when they need you to or to maintain a friendship you want to keep in your life. It's seeing your effect on the world that leaves a more permanent imprint than the money you spend or where you live. Again it's like a college essay, you see he big picture and you make little connections between yourself and the big picture to give greater meaning to or importance or something to those things. If being a complete person means living on your own, then congratulations. You should be ecstatic, people have spent thousands of years searching, torturing, praying, meditating trying to reach the nirvana and self actualization that you have. But I think there is more to not only myself but also life than that.
I asked you to tell me what to do in order to give you what you wanted out of our relationship. Your suggestion was that we stop talking. So whatever it is that I'm doing wrong, whatever I am doing that is hurtful to you, I don't know. Obviously, what I wrote yesterday was hurtful. I know that. I went out of my way to make sure you didn't see it because I don't want to hurt you. I was unsuccessful at that and I am sorry that it hurt. But feelings are feelings. Not all of them are permanent, that's why I don't just let them blow around. That's why I restrain myself. Previously I cared enough to not express those feeling, so you wouldn't get hurt. I still care about you but not more than I care about me. I am not a saint and I am done being a martyr. You have lost the privilege to be more important than me in my own life. Cause that's what it is to be someone's friend, it's a privilege. It's something that takes earning. I didn't get privileges from you, I was just punished repeatedly.
I heard a song yesterday. Someone posted some lyrics to Regina Spektor's "On The Radio" as a facebook status and I decided to see it all. While I don't like the music of the song, some of the lyrics are really powerful and can be applied to this situation:
"You love until you don't, You try until you can't . . . You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love [it]
And then you take that love . . .
And stick it into someone else's heart
. . .
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again."
And I can't try anymore. I just can't. I'm moving on. There was a time where you were a great friend to me, where you were there for me and we had fun together. It would be a lie to say otherwise. And even when those times were over, I tried to ride it out with you. I don't think you see that I've ignore this for at least a year (maybe more).
I AM going to live the life I deserve. It's because I'm going to live the life I deserve that I am doing this. Because I deserve better than what you are giving me. And I know that because I know who I am and more importantly because the people I love and who care about me in return, show me that I deserve better.
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| Warning: This blog is written in a fit of rage and as a result it will be discombobulated, illogical, and full of f-bombs. Proceed at your own RISK!
Fuck You. That's right. Fuck You and all your bull shit. I fucking have issues!! I HAVE ISSUES!!! I know that. I said that. I told you only the tip of the icceburg of my problems. And what the fuck do you say?!? We can still be friends but we just shouldn't talk to each other. That's NOT a fucking friend.
I'm sorry but friends don't just peace out because things get hard and uncomfortable. A friend doesn't just say "I know my behaviours hurt you but that's just who I am and accept it"." Where the hell are the fucking permits given out that allows people to say whatever they want without regard to how the other person might feel? Am I the only person who thinks that people who care about each other have self restraint in interpersonal communication. When you know something hurts?
What kind of friend says "I'm sorry but I don't approve, that's just how I feel" instead of seeing how the decision you made was the best thing for you and quite frankly everyone else. When people who I've known longer than you and others who I've known for less time, expect me to do something explosive and totally insane. When I'm scaring myself and compromising my integrity by staying at some at job, when I know it's not fiscally responsible . . . Some things are more important than money. And if you can't see that, Fuck you. Fuck you with something hard and on fire.
I don't care if you don't fucking approve. I'm not doing dangerous shit. I'm not going on a downward spiral of self destruction. I'm taking my time to figure out what is best for me and stop taking jobs that make me hate who I am and have nno futures in them. A friend should support that. And if I say could you back off or ask what you want to know in a different or just b-flat stop telling me what to do, and you're response is "I am who I am" then fuck you.
When I am suppose to accept you and all your flaws and apparently be impervious to how those flaws might affect me, why shouldn't I expect you to do the same for me? If we are going to accept the first unreasonable part of the equation then the second part is going to follow. Otherwise it becomes unfair. And yeah, life isn't fair but friendship should attempt to be. Relationship is give and take not take take take take by one person.
And excuse me, everyone has issues. I don't care who you are or how much therapy or medication you are on. Your past is going to affect the present. Your past made you who are today, so you can let it go but it's still gonna inform some of what you do. Unless you're one of those dollhouse people . . .
And I am not like everyone else. The one thing we both seem to agree with is that everybody is different. So why would you treat everyone exactly the same? Stop imagining me as one of your other friends don't try to feel like what you would want to hear in my position. I am me, I am an individual different from other people. Yeah we have traits in common but that doesn't mean you can have cookie cutter actions and saying that you think will work every time.
Ok, so if we are just gonna say whatever we want should I be telling you how I've sat crying in my office after the shit you've said to me? How one day I couldn't get out of bed or do anything? Would it finally get through to you how you make me feel? Because using "When you . . . I feel" statements isn't working. Nothing is working. You just don't get it.
But I get it. And I don't need a person like you in my life. I don't need you. Yes, I am a great person. I'm a fucking awesome person. I am kind and forgiving and generous and fun and patient and supportive. You are a self centered callous and shallow whore who refuses to grow as a person. I did accept you for you are but I can no longer accept how you treat me. So . . . fuck it. | | |
| I woke up this morning with a singular thought in my head: Am I impossible to love? It was closely followed by a list of amazing people who do love me thus answering the question. But that's besides the point. It doesn't explain why perfectly normal, seemingly compatible guys just fizzle away and fade out of my life. Upon further reflection I came upon two points: I apparently don't know what traits my ideal companion should have in order to put up with me over the long term and there is something wrong with me but not in the way I've always imagined. I will start with the second point first.
I was recently discussing story types with my writing community, aka my mom. I said the stories I like/write are those that deal with personal redemption of some sorts, usually involving a hot guy showing a loner girl that there is something loveable or worth 'saving' within herself. I've known this. I've been writing the story over and over again since I started writing at 12 years old, the only thing that's changed is the age of the characters, my writing skills, and the 'demons' the girl is running from. It started with vampires and at various times have been death of a loved one, addiction to anything and/or everything and more recently, poverty. But I have never really had to struggle with those things, I've had brushes, yes, but those aren't my actual problems. Still I've spent most of my live feeling like there is something 'bad' or 'shameful' that somewhere inside of me I was evil and other people could see it and that's why I am more disliked/hated than liked and loved.
But this morning . . . I don't know, it's like clouds parted. that's been happening a lot lately, apparently my sky has a lot of clouds in it. But anyway . . . I see that there isn't anything evil about me. And yes, I can be a difficult person to get along with, I am pretty complicated on contradictory at times. Everyone has pros and cons and you can't please everyone, including yourself, all the time. But I don't need to be saved or redeemed before someone can love me (ok, wow that sounds like some Christian scarring there . . . ) What I see now, the thing that I say is 'wrong' with me, is that I'm very unconventional. VERY unconventional. I don't even understand myself all the times, how can other people? I try to fit in with conventionality but it's not a very good fit. And that's what sends people away, a sense of falseness and less than 100% openness/commitment.
I don't lie. But I am very guarded. Few people believe this. They say I seem open and honest. I say they aren't asking the right questions. And I'm not running a game. It's just . . . well, me. And if you don't get or don't want to take the time to get it, then whatever, let's go our separate ways.
And so the other point I discovered this morning, I guess I don't know all the traits my mate should have. I'm open to a lot of trying so I've tried not to have too many qualifiers. Kind, funny, ambitious/goal orientated, passionate, intelligent. But experience is teaching me that that's not enough to 1: keep liking me and 2: keep me interested in him. One stumbling block to figuring this out, is knowing wtf I want out of life. I don't have the slightest clue what I want long term and the only thing I can decide now is fun. I'm almost 30 years old (holy fucking shit) and all I can say is I just want to have fun. And what is fun? . . . well here's my list of things I enjoy doing: laughing loudly and a lot, drinking loudly and a lot, singing loudly and a lot, blowing bubbles for no reason, dancing for no reason, sleeping, horror movies good or bad, witty/awesome comedy movies, dinner out, entertaining at home, clubs, bars, live loud music, The Office, Burn Notice, House, Lie to Me, Glee, making shit up, true crime investigation shows, traveling (by car mostly), and so on and so forth. That's what I want to do and I guess I want somebody who wants the same thing for now.
I mean, maybe my priorities will change. Maybe 30 is the magical number and I will want to do whatever the fuck 'real' grown-ups' want to do. But I don't see how or why and I don't see how or why I should just suddenly change or start preparing or living that way now. But that's just one of the things that I keep running up against in the majority of the people I meet. Everybody wants to tell me how life isn't about drinking or partying but nobody is giving out any better ideas. So whatever. That's pretty much my new motto/ phrase. I say it/type it at least once a day, sometimes more. Whatever. I will say what I think/feel and you're gonna try to tell me how I should think/feel or better yet how I will think/feel. And if I say "Fuck that shit" then you laugh and think that I'm kidding and of course I agree with you because it's sensible and that's what every red-blood American wants/thinks/feels. Or one day I will grow up. Whatever.
So basically . . . what traits do you need to keep up with all that? If I go by the people who have in my life the longest, a lassez-faire attitude, wine, prescription drugs, and threads of insanity.
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| I don't know why I have that title, my two Friday nights aren't that different at the moment . . . Just need a title.
I have been thinking a lot. I mean, I haven't started my new job yet and I am seriously procrastinating finishing my room and working on NaNoWriMo. But that's what I've been thinking about.
What is up with this affliction I seem to have? I just don't seem to want to do either of the above activities. But for all intents and purposes I do nothing else. I watch tv shows or movies I've seen a thousand times. I eat. I sleep, a lot. And I think about doing something. Can a person really be that lazy? I don't feel lazy. I just don't want to do things that I feel like are chores. To be fair, my room is 1,000 times better, The worst part now is mostly the vacuuming but unfortunately the last bit of straightening I need to do really inhibits the vacuuming process. But at the same time, there isn't much left, especially compared to what I started with. But also at the same time, I do do a little bit everyday. I'm not overwhelmed with task any more I'm just tired of thinking about it and doing it.
Yet, NaNoWriMo is a different type of procrastination. With my room I don't care enough to keep doing it, even when I don't want to. I'm a livng at an acceptable level of mess for me. But with the writing thing, I do care. I care a lot. And I am really afraid of failing. That's the main thing. I am afraid of writing crap or writing a lot and getting stuck. Or getting all the way to the end and it's just all round crap. I don't like not knowing what I want to do. But I have books and alligators to help with that. Saying that is an easy way to explain part of the fear problem.
When I know what I want to happen, I can write the middle, and be less worried. I know that some where there is a conclusion even if I don't know how they are going to get there. With this story I've started, I don't know what the hell I want to have happen. I have an awesome opening and I know it will be a mystery. That's something else, I've never written a mystery.
I don't want it to be a noir or hard boiled or even a detective story. I guess it's more of a suspense than detective mystery. There is a big looming question-who set the funeral home on fire? BUT I don't want that to be the focus, or rather I don't want the mystery to be the focus. I want the burnt building to be the focus, a stupid fucking metaphor for something. I want something to be revealed about one or both of the central characters; or rather have something revealed to them. And I can't even decide which is the main character.
I know who I want to follow home but I like her friend better, it's just . . . well, she doesn't have a story. I don't want to see her story. Her story would be shallow and meaningless. But she is way more fun to write. The other chick, well I am not writing her to be melancholy or apathetic and suddenly she finds a meaning to life. That's not the revelation I want. Maybe it's just a "nothing is as it seems" story. I mean, I do know who destroyed the building but his reason isn't quite so solidified yet. I mean, at the moment it just sounds crazy.
Maybe I should just go with that theme, the crazy random ass shit theme. Maybe then something will just reveal itself to me and, in the mean time, I can just I can have fun writing this people.
Of course I'm about 9,000 words behind now. But whatever.
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